The Tragedies of Northeast Asia Tour

Ever say to yourself "I'd love to relive some of the blinding atrocities of imperial expansion, but I just don't have the time" well come to picturesque Northeast Asia and in one glorious week you can relive the past hundred years of Kafkaesque brutality in the comfort of your own shoes.

First you will be whisked away to the fabulous Demilitarized Zone where you can feel superior to the people just ten miles away gouging desperately to carve out a living under the cockeyed glare of the world's most insane head of state. Be thrilled as soldiers march, endlessly guarding a border that allows goods to go across it daily to one of two North Korean free trade zones. But fear not! Capitalist brainwashing can't infiltrate THIS workers' paradise thanks to the one-size-solves-all-problems wall surrounding it!

And just when you thought it was over you're off to Tienanmen Square where you can lie on the ground under a statue of a tank. It's so much fun you'll wish your government was violently cracking down on the right to assemble.

The fun doesn't stop until you visit beautiful Nagasaki where the haunting ghosts of the thousands of flash-dead still haunt the McDonald's, Starbucks and Radio Shack that gently surround a memorial like a string of delicate pearls. And what's that? Is it graffiti? No! It's the last remnants of a child walking down the street one day seventy years ago.

And like all things, this has to end. Your final destination will be Dokdo Island where you can sip margarita's safe in the knowledge that this island's sovereignty and fertile fishing waters were paid for with Korean blood so that their Japanese masters could remain satisfied and rested while they plotted a brutal genocide of Koreans on yet another ill-conceived expedition to the Chinese mainland.

All for the low price of 3,000,000 won or $200 you can be thrilled by the abject horror of three nations eternally locked in a competition for honor through mass-murder. Don't forget to sample the local food of fermented (rotting) cabbage called kimchi, soup featuring fish heads and beef proudly cut from cattle strung out like a bay area junkie.